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cyberdude
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Can the following be written better? |
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Hi,
Have written a paragraph for posting:
I attended all the Shaw Lectures last Saturday. The lecture by
Professor Geoffrey Marcy was a truly remarkable one. He explained how
they searched for exoplanets and analyzed the collected data, and
estimated the possiblity of life and advanced intelligence in our Milky
Way. Exoplanets are dark planets, such as Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, Sun in our solar system. Marcy's group measured the
droppler-shifts in the light spectra of the bright stars resulted from
their wobbly motion due to the gravitational pull between the stars and
the nearby exoplanets.
Are there places that can be written better? Thanks.
David |
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Mark Brader
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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| Quote: | ... Exoplanets are dark planets, such as Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, Sun in our solar system. ...
Exoplanets are dark planets, as are Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, such as the Sun in our own Solar System.
|
By changing "such as" to "as are", you imply that you're providing
the reader with new information about Earth and Mars, rather than
using information that the reader already knows in order to illustrate
the explanation being given.
However, "such as" is wrong for a different reason -- it implies that
Earth and Mars are examples of exoplanets. The prefix "exo-" means
"outside", and the meaning here is "outside of our solar system".
"Such as" should be changed to "like". So we end up with:
* Exoplanets are dark planets, like Earth or Mars, which orbit a
* bright star, like the Sun in our solar system.
In my usage, "solar system" is one of those expressions like "king"
and "president" that get capitalized when it's understood that you're
using it to stand for the name of a particular one, but not when you
may mean any one. Thus "our solar system" is correct (contrasting
it with others), although "the Solar System" would also be correct
(using it as a name for ours). Not everyone would agree with this.
--
Mark Brader | "If the standard says that [things] depend on the
Toronto | phase of the moon, the programmer should be prepared
msb@vex.net | to look out the window as necessary." -- Chris Torek
My text in this article is in the public domain. |
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Bob G
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of some
of these bright stars caused by their wobbly motion, the result of the
gravitational pull between them and the nearby exoplanets. |
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Bill Bonde ('by a commodi
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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cyberdude wrote:
| Quote: |
Hi,
Have written a paragraph for posting:
I attended all the Shaw Lectures last Saturday. The lecture by
Professor Geoffrey Marcy was a truly remarkable one. He explained how
they searched for exoplanets and analyzed the collected data, and
estimated the possiblity of life and advanced intelligence in our Milky
Way. Exoplanets are dark planets, such as Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, Sun in our solar system. Marcy's group measured the
droppler-shifts in the light spectra of the bright stars resulted from
their wobbly motion due to the gravitational pull between the stars and
the nearby exoplanets.
Are there places that can be written better? Thanks.
From the perspective of humanity, Earth and Mars are not "exoplanets", |
planets that don't orbit our Sun. Perhaps changing "such as" into "like"
would help. Also, I believe that exoplanets can orbit failed stars and
even not be gravitationally bound.
--
"When my comfort was at stake, there was no trouble I would not go to."
-+Samuel Beckett, "Molloy" |
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cyberdude
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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Hi Bob,
Thank you very much for the reply and having rewritten it to make it
read better.
However, the last sentence in your paragraph may differ from what was
in my mind. In my original post, I meant:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright stars and these shifts were caused by their wobbly motion due to
the gravitational pull betweem them and the nearby exoplanets.
Therefore, shifts in the light sepctra were caused by the wobbly motion
of the bright stars, and the wobbly motion was caused by the
gravitational pull between them and the nearby exoplanets.
I hope I have made it clear enough. So, would you have a new sentence
for the above?
Thank you very much.
David |
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Bob G
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:10 am
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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<I attended all the Shaw Lectures last Saturday. The lecture by
Professor Geoffrey Marcy was a truly remarkable one. He explained how
they searched for exoplanets and analyzed the collected data, and
estimated the possiblity of life and advanced intelligence in our Milky
Way. Exoplanets are dark planets, such as Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, Sun in our solar system. Marcy's group measured the
droppler-shifts in the light spectra of the bright stars resulted from
their wobbly motion due to the gravitational pull between the stars and
the nearby exoplanets.>
I attended all the Shaw Lectures last Saturday. Professor Geoffrey
Marcy's was truly remarkable. He explained how his group
searched for exoplanets and estimated the probability of life and
advanced intelligence in our Milky Way. Exoplanets are dark planets, as
are Earth or Mars, which orbit a
bright star, such as the Sun in our own Solar System. Marcy's group
measured the
Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the bright stars and concluded
that
their wobbly motion is caused by the gravitational pull between them
and
the nearby exoplanets. |
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Bob G
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:06 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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| Quote: | Exoplanets are dark planets, as are Earth or Mars, which orbit a...
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The way I wrote it, using "as are", was intended to mean that the Earth
and Mars are dark planets, not that they are exoplanets.
I'm not well-versed in Astronomy, though, and I'm not sure what a dark
planet is (The Earth looks pretty colorful and bright to me) - are they
planets that do not emit light other than by reflection? At any rate,
it may be so simple a concept to the intended readers as not to be
worth mentioning, which might cause them to infer that the intended
meaning was that the Earth and Mars are exoplanets.
If I had wanted to imply they're exoplanets, I would have written:
"Exoplanets, such as the Earth and Mars, are dark planets..."
But if you write, "Exoplanets are dark planets, like the Earth and
Mars...", you might be implying that they are necessarily of the same
consitency, or size, or any number of other attributes as E & M.
But I'm probably nitpicking. |
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Jess Askin
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:12 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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"cyberdude" <honchorlee@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1125983788.009728.91670@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
| Quote: | Hi Bob,
Thank you very much for the reply and having rewritten it to make it
read better.
However, the last sentence in your paragraph may differ from what was
in my mind. In my original post, I meant:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright stars and these shifts were caused by their wobbly motion due to
the gravitational pull betweem them and the nearby exoplanets.
|
That's fine as it is if you break it up into two sentences.
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the bright
stars. These shifts were caused by their wobbly motion, due to the
gravitational pull between them and the nearbly exoplanets.
Or perhaps:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the bright
stars. These shifts were caused by the wobbly motion of the stars, due to
the gravitational pull between them and the nearby exoplanets.
Actually, that's a good writing technique: if you're having trouble with a
sentence: rewrite it as if you were explaining the idea to a real person.
The second version will often be better, though you may need to tweak it a
little. |
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Bob G
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:18 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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<But if you write, "Exoplanets are dark planets, like the Earth and
Mars...", you might be implying that they are necessarily of the same
consitency, or size, or any number of other attributes as E & M. >
Sorry, I take that back. The comma after "planets" is all-important to
prevent such an interpretation. Still, I'm not too comfortable with the
use of "like". |
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cyberdude
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:46 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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Hi Jess,
Thank you for pointing out the other ways of rewriting the sentence.
But could you tell me why the second sentence is often better? Thank
you in advance.
David |
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Jess Askin
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:21 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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"cyberdude" <honchorlee@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1125989178.280913.233650@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
| Quote: | Hi Jess,
Thank you for pointing out the other ways of rewriting the sentence.
But could you tell me why the second sentence is often better? Thank
you in advance.
|
What I meant to say -- perhaps I should have rewritten my own sentence -- is
that when you're writing, especially technical material, it's easy to fall
into the trap of writing very dense and formal prose that's hard to follow.
If I were your boss, or editor, and you wrote a sentence like that, I would
probably ask you to explain to me verbally what you were trying to say. You
would then explain it in everyday, informal language. Then I would probably
tell you "write it just like that, but clean it up a little," that is, make
sure you use correct grammar and no slang, etc. It's a good exercise to
imagine you are explaining things to a real person, not to a computer
screen. |
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cyberdude
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 2:20 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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Hi Jess,
I have got your point.
You wrote:
<<
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright
stars. These shifts were caused by their wobbly motion, due to the
gravitational pull between them and the nearbly exoplanets.
Or perhaps:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright
stars. These shifts were caused by the wobbly motion of the stars, due
to
the gravitational pull between them and the nearby exoplanets
May I ask why you added a comma before "due to the..." in both
sentences? Can it be omitted? I ask that because no teachers taught
me the correct usage of comma and other punctuation marks in detail.
David |
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Jess Askin
Guest
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 9:37 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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"cyberdude" <honchorlee@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1125994826.339169.75630@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
| Quote: | Hi Jess,
I have got your point.
You wrote:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright
stars. These shifts were caused by their wobbly motion, due to the
gravitational pull between them and the nearbly exoplanets.
Or perhaps:
Marcy's group measured the Doppler shifts in the light spectra of the
bright
stars. These shifts were caused by the wobbly motion of the stars, due
to
the gravitational pull between them and the nearby exoplanets
May I ask why you added a comma before "due to the..." in both
sentences? Can it be omitted? I ask that because no teachers taught
me the correct usage of comma and other punctuation marks in detail.
|
It would be correct to leave the comma out. In fact, now that I look at it,
I'm not 100% sure my comma is correct. I do have a tendency, when writing a
long sentence, to put a comma in somewhere, to help people break it up when
they read it.
Others here may have a definite preference one way or the other. |
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Liz
Guest
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 11:54 pm
Post subject: Re: Can the following be written better? |
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"Bob G" wrote:
| Quote: | I'm not well-versed in Astronomy, though, and I'm not sure what a dark
planet is (The Earth looks pretty colorful and bright to me) - are they
planets that do not emit light other than by reflection?
|
In order to shine, a star must be hot. And if the band you're in
starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
A planet can only reflect the visible light that comes from the
planet's star, rather than create their own light, like the Sun and
other stars do. Planets are nearly invisible from afar.
Stars are giant balls of glowing gas, they turn hydrogen into
helium while liberating copious amounts of nuclear energy that
we can see as light. |
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